Green with Envy
Jealousy, my least favorite emotion.
Jealousy is such a terrible emotion. Where do you feel it? I can feel it in my abdomen, not my heart but more in my gut. It’s like wanting something with your whole essence or being. It moves me to action, both positive and negative. I’m not a jealous person in the slightest, so when envy does hit me, it’s all-encompassing. Jealousy feels like instinct in my body, animalistic. It makes my temperature rise on the skin behind my ears and the back of my neck.
Where does healthy desire cross into the realm of poisonous jealousy? You can just want something; there’s nothing wrong with that. It becomes a problem when your wanting comes at the expense or to the detriment of another person, or even yourself. It’s okay to feel jealous of someone’s lifestyle or car as long as you can recognize that emotion and not let it change your perception or push you in a direction that would endanger your integrity or honor.
Jealousy is my least favorite emotion; it almost hurts. It’s not a cut or a sharp pain, but it’s something like grief mixed with low self-worth. Entitlement dances with jealousy. The feeling that you are owed something or that you should have this or that. It’s a hard emotion to pin down, to put your finger on. It's a feeling that lives in the shadows and motivates from the fringe. When I don’t know who I am or when I’m acting out of character and I have the time to sit with myself and figure out what is “wrong”; these moments in life are the times when jealousy has leaked into my system.
Jealousy brings out the absolute worst in me. It’s a litmus test for my self-esteem; I’m rarely jealous when my ego is in check and I’m mentally fit. It’s like how your body is more susceptible to a cold when your immune system is compromised. Jealousy seeps into my motivation when I’m already injured or operating from a disadvantage. That disadvantage can be any number of the different Maslowian requirements lacking in life; financial security, romance, good health.
An Interesting Chart …quote below.
“Maslow distinguishes two fundamentally different ways of being-in-the-world. In fact, his entire psychology is based on this distinction. In the first way of being-in-the-world, one operates out of what he calls a ‘deficiency mode’. One’s actions are motivated by a neediness that compels one toward acquisition of what one thinks will alleviate one’s needs.”
“In contrast, those individuals who operate according to the second way of being-in-the-world feel an inner completeness, and are at one with themselves, at peace. Their actions are not motivated by a sense of inner deficiency, but rather are experienced as overflowing out of this inner sense of completeness. Maslow refers to these two psychological realms in abbreviated form as the D-realm (short for Deficiency-realm) and B-realm (Being-realm).”
Jealousy is the opposite of enoughness, and is only possible when you are operating in ‘deficiency mode’. It’s that twinge that you feel when you realize that you’re missing something, like when you don’t feel the pain of a fresh cut until you look down and see the blood. Jealousies are the weeds that pop up in your lawn on contentment when you don’t spray it with the proverbial pesticide of gratitude.
It’s like the co-morbidities during covid. Remember? If you were elderly, obese, asthmatic, then you were more likely to have more severe reactions to covid than an otherwise healthy person would. And the co-morbidities seem to compound and magnify the damage when they are found in mass. If jealousy was a deadly virus than the co-morbidities would be depression, anxiety, poor diet, lack of coping skills, abandonment issues, poverty, apathy, dependency.
If jealousy and regret went on a date and stumbled into a cheap hotel room and had passionate, unprotected sex; their baby would be resentment.
“A Chinese Farmer Story” Allen Watts
“Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbors came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “Maybe.”
The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbors then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “Maybe.” The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbors came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “Maybe.”
“Because you never know what will be the consequences of misfortune or you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.” Allen Watts.
Be careful of what you wish for…
It can seem crazy not to be jealous when it’s an inseparable part of a materialistic society. In a culture whose next generation of youth aspire to be rich and famous versus doctors and teachers; obviously that that type of society would be swept into currents of inescapable jealousy flowing over waterfalls of greed and arrogance.
It’s not all bad because it’s a part of us, and I believe that we are inherently good, as humans. Like using your anger as a source of motivation using jealousy as a fuel to power positive change can’t be all bad. Like I said before, healthy desire turns into hindering jealousy when it comes at the expense or our sense of our well-being or at the detriment of a third party. The first time I saw someone who had changed their relationship with alcohol, I was so jealous. That’s the healthy side of envy.
The opposite of jealousy is contentment. The art of creating jealousy would be in the toolbox of any manipulator.
How does jealousy trigger you, push you over the edge, or entice you into consumption or compulsivity? Do you drink out of jealousy?
I’m jealous of some ugly things, probably my most secret things if I was honest. I’m jealous of my brother’s relationship with my Dad. I get jealous of the time my wife spends with her family. Those are terrible feelings; my brother should have a wonderful relationship with his father and of course my wife should spend time with her family. All the “shoulding” in the world doesn’t keep that stench of envy from passing my nose; it’s primal somehow.
I get financially jealous sometimes. I’ve never really been good at making large sums of money. We seldom come up short, but there’s never been an abundance of cash in my life. In 2008 I moved to a developing nation, so I created wealth by lowering my costs, not by earning more. Sometimes it feels wealthy here because the cost of living is so low but we feel the twinges of poverty when we travel back to the U.S.A. and see all the new shiny STUFF. The grass is always greener.
When envy leads to emotional triggers, strain on relationships, or insecurities, low self-esteem; that’s when compulsivity and destructive consumption can manifest. We are more likely to gravitate towards negative activities if our self-worth is dependent on external validations and frivolous material possessions. Envy lingers in the confusion of defining a need versus a want. It’s emotionally complicated.
What’s my point?
Good question….
My point is this. In the same way that one should try and confront their fears and manage their anger; it’s been helpful for me to think about and dig through my feelings of envy. Discover where those feelings manifest in my life and relationships. Jealousy is so good at camouflaging itself, like the wizard behind the curtain in Oz. It’s an emotion that sits in our darkest corners; it’s hard to talk about or to admit that it could be what’s motivating the manifestation of our most undesirable character traits. When I’m acting out of sorts, ashamed or discombobulated; if I look close enough I can usually find some evidence of envy.
Try it as an exercise, ponder jealousy and envy, go to those dark places that sit in your emotional shadows.
What comes up when you dig through your consciousness hunting for one of the most taboo of all feelings and primal motivators?
Does jealousy push you to a negative outcome or do you use it as fuel for the positive?
Let me know in the comments below, this can be a very interesting conversation.
I realized my quickest way to wealth years ago.
“ To be wealthy desire less “
So you choosing your Ecuador life was a way to be wealthy. Your choice led to to be the envy of many people who would leave their chaotic pursuits of wealth to get a taste of the life you were living.
Correlates well with the farmers story “maybe”.
I think all of us with ambitions to improve our lot in life struggle with “jealousy or envy”. It’s a healthy motivator for some and a brutal curse to those who measure or determine their happiness in life.
If one wants to feel good about themselves situation look at people of less fortunate situations. If one wants to feel inferior look up to people with excessive.
Great writing Pete , thanks for sharing
Social media fuels these feelings. I feel it like a squeeze on my heart…what am I missing out on, maybe I need that too…it’s a dark spiral. I like to combat it with gratitude.